Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
