maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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