I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
