if i can run in heels then i can drive
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
