i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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