I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
