Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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