I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
