Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My ass is underappreciated
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
