Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
