i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
