he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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