Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
