highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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