oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's Friday. Sex?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
