Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
