Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
