Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
