I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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