i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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