I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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