Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
