mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
