I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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