I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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