the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
