i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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