i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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