I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
