do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
