Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
