Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
