i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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