I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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