It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We had sex on a dog bed..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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