____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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