Barsexuality is the new black.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
