I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
