Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
