I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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