eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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