woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
