i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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