Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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