Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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