my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
