also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
