If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
