im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
