Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
