If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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